Three Twenty Nine.

 

 

 

I usually claim that pregnant women should not read books about pregnancy and birth. Their time is too precious. They should, rather, watch the moon and sing to their baby in the womb.  -Michel Odent

 

 

 

 

On October 9th, we were scheduled for an induction to meet our sweet Benjamin due to IUGR. ( a growth retardation due to lack of nutrients from the placenta to the baby. )

 

At 12:00 p.m. they started the pitocin, and shortly after broke my water.  Everybody tells you that your first labor and birth will be your longest, and each one after that will be a little shorter and so on and so forth. Benjamin was born at 3:29 p.m.

 

Three and a half hours, from start to finish.

 

Six pounds seven ounces. Twenty-one inches long.

 

Nothing about him was small, or under developed. He was absolutely perfect from top to bottom.

 

Benjamin is two weeks old now, and I cant imagine life without him. He fits in perfectly to our family.  How is it possible to be so in love with somebody you have only known for two weeks?

I was reading my first blog again, and I cant believe I was ever unsure of what was happening. I actually feel bad that this was not all intentional from the beginning. He is so loved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A huge thank you to my sister for being in the room with us to capture these moments.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Unplanned and Prepared

" You came to me and climbed inside so softly and gently that I hardly knew you were there until you became such a part of me that I don't know how I ever existed without you there."

Tomorrow will be my last day before meeting Benjamin. Excited is an understatement, but my heart also hurts in some ways because it will be the last time I carry a baby inside of me.  My emotions are seriously going a million miles an hour right now. I know it is normal to feel these things before a new baby comes into your family, but that doesn't make it any easier. 

Lately I have felt nothing but guilt, I feel like I have somewhat betrayed my girls. It has just been us and them for the past four years. I feel like my time with them is going to be drastically cut short and that in return they will be hurt by it. I don't want them to ever think they are being replaced or loved any less. Then, on the other hand I feel incredibly guilty for feeling that way in regards to Benjamin. He did nothing wrong and he is just as much a part of this family as the girls.

There has to be a middle ground, right? 

Matt and I had talked multiple times about POSSIBLY having another baby at some point down the road, but we had agreed that if we did, it would be about five years from now. Because, apparently we thought in five years we would be at a place in our lives to just have a nursery waiting and ready for whenever we wanted to add on to our family. I was SET on having a planned pregnancy. Both of the girls were big surprises, and I wanted to "do it right" if we ever decided to have one more. I think that was what got me down most when I found out I was pregnant with Ben. I would not have my chance at a planned pregnancy and that empty nursery just waiting for us to put a baby in it. 

Ridiculous, right? Who has a nursery just waiting for them...? Nobody.

It took me a while to realize how prepared we really WERE for a baby, and that just because his timing was not PLANNED, did not mean that we were not prepared. This baby is loved, and wanted, and we are ready for him.  

It has been a while since my last post, nothing horrifically exciting has taken place since then. Three weeks ago we found out how small little Benjamin was. (despite how large I am ) 

He is measuring about two months smaller than an average newborn, he is roughly around the size of a baby that is 33 weeks. This little guy, despite being tiny has been fantastic, though. On every ultrasound and every NST he looks above and beyond good. He has definitely given my ribs a run for their money. Those little feet have been in the SAME SPOT for months now, and boy does my rib cage feel it now that hes dropped.  We have stocked up on our preemie clothes and diapers and are ready for him to be here so we can start plumping his little bod up. 

The girls are beyond excited, as well. I figured at some point they might forget about the baby or just lose interest, not a chance. They are so sweet to him already and have planned out what they will be doing to help with him. I hope these feelings stay the same once they realize he is a real baby, and that he will be with us forever. 

Today is my last day of work, tomorrow I will take the day to get my house cleaned and ready and Thursday morning we will go to meet our Benjamin.  I will definitely do a post regarding the birth, so until then..

Right hand son.

"Benjamin was the 12th, youngest and most beloved son of the patriarch Jacob and Rachel."

     I never thought much about what having a boy would be like, I had two girls. Having a boy was never even a thought. Girl is all I know, and what I am comfortable with. Until now. 

     I found out you were a boy last week. And to be honest, I was completely unsure of what to think. I do not know one thing about raising a baby boy. What are the rules about bathing? How do I change your diaper? I feel like I am a first time mom again. I went to the store and picked up a few outfits, and I was very confused as to where the accessories for little boys were..... 

Matt is going to really have to help me when it comes to dressing him. 

     I got to thinking about it though, and thinking of all of the traits and characteristics that I love about Matt, and I became beyond excited to raise this baby to be a man like his daddy. I refuse to let him be like some of the guys I have come across in my life. He will be a good man, and a faithful man, and honest, and polite. The fact that I will get to bring somebody like that into the world is priceless. 

   Everyday when the girls wake up I tell them: " You are beautiful, you are kind, you are smart, and I am so proud of you." And I will tell them this everyday. I will tell him the exact same things, every day. He will be so loved, and he is so wanted. I personally feel like that is the key to raising a healthy child. I feel like children strive when they know how loved they are. When the girls are in their pajama dresses and their hair is going in twenty different directions, I pick them up and place them in the sink and tell them to look at how beautiful they are. Some people may think I am just concocting children with big heads, but I disagree. They will know their self worth. He will be just the same. I will make sure he knows that he is smart and good and kind. This will be a journey for all of us, but it will be perfect. Anna is turning out to be quite the mother hen. Leah is still little, and my baby, so I know she will have a harder time. I am hoping she takes as kindly to him as Anna seems to be. She will always be my baby girl, though. I will have to strive everyday to let her not forget that and fall into that horrible "middle child" category. 

So, here we go!

We will be welcoming Benjamin Matthew Caswell into the world October 19th. 

-He currently weighs 5 oz, and is 5 1/2 inches long. 

-I am still eating anything and everything in sight... no particular cravings. Besides hamburger helper and buffalo sauce. :) 

-I am still gradually expanding. I have had to make the transition from scrubs to t shirts and scrub bottoms due to my scrub tops barely covering my belly anymore. 

-No new stretch marks yet. I lather myself up in a gross amount of lotion each night. At least my skin now feels like butter. 

-Sleeping comfortably has become a lost cause. I have to find a balance between being on my back and being on my side, at the same time. I end up just rocking my hips until just my belly falls over and the rest of me is flat. Whatever works right? 

Read more at http://www.thinkbabynames.com/meaning/1/Benjamin#pA6DCQtfMMhIeUg3.99"

Glow.

Dear Glow Fairy,

     I think you must have taken my pregnancy glow to somebody else, because I am NOT glowing.

  Okay guys, most of these posts are going to be happy and loving. Today, though.. I shall vent. This pregnancy IS NOT what I was expecting. It is nothing like when I was pregnant with the girls. With the girls, I never showed until I was at least 6 months pregnant, my skin literally glowed, my hair grew, etc.  Ya'll, lets just talk about this baby. (FAIR WARNING TO HAPPY MOMS TO BE, THIS IS PROBABLY NOT WHAT YOU WANT TO BE READING)

     Lets start with this belly of mine. In the end, if I don't produce AT LEAST an 8 lb baby (or twins), I will be so mad. I am HUGE for being only 4 months, huge. Apparently the baby is only supposed to be the size of an orange or so at this point, I beg to differ. I am carrying a watermelon. 

     Spider veins. I could make a map on my legs (mainly my left leg) with the spider veins that have taken residency upon my poor legs. It was like somebody got a can of blue paint and just splattered my legs with it. 

     My skin. Folks, I can play connect the dots with what is going on with my face these days. Wasn't this supposed to happen in the first trimester? WHERE ARE THESE SPOTS COMING FROM. Every day Anna points out to me that I am hurt somewhere on my face, or she feels the need to tell me I have polka dots. Not amused. No amount of exfoliation is going to get rid of these suckers. Time to pile on the powder. (Who needs to glow when you have a fabulously caked face? )

     The hair. At this rate, I am going to have to shave my legs at a minimum of three times a day just to keep them feeling like sand paper. The transformation into chewbacca has commenced. I might as well just let it happen. 

    Boobs. Okay, so this one would not be bad, if they didn't rest on my HUGE stomach already. I feel like I completely skipped steps 1-10 where I am full and curvy and just went straight to being big and saggy. I keep reading all of these articles of people feeling so sexy at this stage in pregnancy. No, just no. I shed a few small tears every time I shower these days. 

    The hormones.... Oh.my.gosh. I don't even know where to begin. If it wasn't frowned upon to take antidepressants during pregnancy, I would be eating them like candy. B12 just isn't cutting it. My poor husband is probably scared to go to bed with me at night for fear that he will wake up to me standing over him with a spare pillow. I CANNOT CONTROL IT. I am literally a crazy person. Literally. I cry, all of the time. I cried because my husband asked if we had any (lets say fancy cakes.. or something) left... and we didn't because spermy over here ate the whole box. So I just sat there and cried. ( I was kind of ashamed that I ate the whole box alone.) Waterproof mascara ya'll, a prego's best friend. 

     My clothes don't fit. I am at the point where my belly hangs out of the bottom of all of my shirts, but I am carrying so low that I cant pull my pants up all of the way or else I look like I have something similar to a foopa. So my crotch basically sags down to my knees. Which is the lesser of two evils? You tell me. I cant wear jeans, at all. For a while I was able to just wear them and not button them. Nope, not happening.  THANK GOD FOR LEGGINGS AND PJ PANTS. If you see me on one of the "people of Walmart" sites, cant say I didn't tell you so. 

Oh, on a sweet note: Annabelle felt the baby move for the first time last weekend. My.Heart.Melted. (As pictured below.)

Baby is 16 weeks old. 

Baby is the size of an orange ( or watermelon.)

Baby has toenails!

A letter to you.

“Where there is love there is life”

This post will be a little off topic temporarily from the new baby, but I feel that it is something to be addressed and discussed. Something I am proud of, more than most any other accomplishments in my life. (other than having two babies, of course.) 

     I was 19 when I married Matt. At the time I did not understand the concern from those who loved us, and the doubt they had. I knew what I was getting into, or so I thought. Matt and I were quick to become best friends, quick to find out about Annabelle, and quick to decide to get married. Looking back, I can understand why everybody was so scared for us. This is hard. Parenting is hard. Marriage is even harder. You have to be a pro at forgiveness, and not be afraid to be wrong. In all of this challenge, though, I have discovered that I could not have possibly made a smarter decision in my life. Not that anybody at any time can predict the future, and MOST of the time, people in the situation we are in do not have a "happily ever after." It just so happened to work out that way for us, and I want people to know that it is possible for it to work out that way for them too. 

     For some reason, God decided to send me somebody who would complete me. Who would be the husband and father I needed him to be, and I will forever be thankful for that. I cant tell you how many people I meet that got pregnant young, and are single moms/dads now. My heart hurts for them. I am a very lucky person to love my husband and be loved very very much, despite our situation. It does not matter how we got here, but that we have made it here now. I have a husband who does the laundry, makes sure I have ironed clothes EVERY night before we go to bed, does the dishes, bathes the girls, LOVES the girls, loves me and still gets up and goes to work every morning. 

      After an argument between us the other night, unfortunately some in front of Annabelle, Matt walked away, and the first thing I told her was " You know how much I love daddy, right?" and she just looked at me and said "Yes, mommy, I know." Because I do. More than anything. Fights and arguments happen, but getting through them with forgiveness and a willingness to give each other a clean slate EACH and EVERY time is key. It is something I struggle with daily. I am proud of us, though. I am proud that we have beat the odds (or so to say) and have made it as far as we have, as happily as we have. 

     So, to our family and friends that were worried about us at the beginning: I hope we have made you proud. I know giving away your daughter to another man at only 19 was probably one of the harder things you had to do, but I hope you wouldn't take back that decision now for the world. We are proud of us, everyday. Everyday we work hard to go against the grain, and not be stereotypical young parents. We want the girls to be well fed, well loved, secure and confident. And I feel like we do a pretty damn good job of that. So, to those of you who are in a rut of any sort... just give a clean slate and move on to the next day. That is my best advice. Just forgive. Even if it is something extremely tiny. Forgive. You will feel better about yourself at the end of the day as well.  

   

Now for a baby update: 

Baby is now three inches long, and has developed finger prints! FINGER PRINTS. 

We saw the baby yesterday, it was one busy little bee. 

I have never seen a fetus that was SO hard to see simply due to how much/fast it was moving.

We were told what the baby could be with 85 percent certainty, but you will all have to wait on that one! Baby is healthy and loved. 

The girls are still beyond excited, and kiss my belly every morning. They will be great big sisters. 

Until next time.

( Baby turned its back to us as soon as we tried to get 3D pictures. Of course . And yes... they said the lumpiness was normal. :)  )

Maps.

"Since love grows within you, so beauty grows. For love is the beauty of the soul."

     Okay, of course like anybody in my situation, I have had my doubts and concerns about being in the situation that we are in. It made no sense to me, actually. I know that everything happens for a reason, but it sure is hard to chew and swallow that when that "everything" is happening to you. About a week ago, I found a picture of a little boys nursery on Pinterest, pinned it so I would have an idea on what to do if I had a boy, and continued my searching.  

  

    This screen shot was taken a few days ago, and note how it says "added 4 days ago" ( so more like 7.) 

I had gotten a comment on the picture about how cute that elephant was. I agreed, he was adorable.

The day after the comment I went to a baby "garage sale" at a church that one of my friends had gotten me a ticket for, and the first thing I saw when I walked in was this guy... Literally, he was the first thing I saw/touched/picked up. I didn't even think twice about it, I put him under my arm and carried on. 

     ECSTATIC that I had found an elephant close to the one in the picture I loved so much, I went on to search for how expensive maps are. ( really expensive when you are looking for one that size.)   I didn't think much of anything at that point. I was really happy about the elephant but my heart was not dead set on this nursery, I simply just thought it was pretty cute. On Saturday, Matt went out to check on the progress of the house. The room that we have designated for the baby had wood paneling on it that we wanted taken down. He called me, and told me I would never guess what was underneath the wood paneling on one of the walls..

A map. A map of the world covering the entire wall. I didn't believe it. WHAT ARE THE ODDS? Maps are not common wall decor, and we know nothing about the history of this house, or knew that anything was underneath that paneling. It literally gave me chills. I made him take a picture and send it to me so I could see it. I really was speechless. Unfortunately the map is ruined from the glue on the paneling, but none the less.... There it is. My sign. My map.

     Nobody knows why things happen the way they do, but I know without any uncertainty that this baby is supposed to be with us, and we are supposed to be in this house. It may not be an ideal situation to most people, but it is going to be perfect. This is exactly what is supposed to be happening, this was no accident. 

Backtracking.

Now that the initial shock is out of the way, we can back track and get everybody caught up to where I am now and HOW IN THE WORLD this happened.

About 8 months ago I switched birth control,  I was on an EXTREMELY  high dose of estrogen birth control to help me possibly gain weight, low and behold it turned me into a crazy person. So, they put me on a very lose dose birth control pill that was made to make me not have a period anymore. SO, it has been about 7 months since I have had a period. ( You can tell why I wasn't alarmed to not get a period this month.) I had just started a new pack of birth control and that weekend took a trip to Dallas. I ate every snack we brought along during the drive, and my sister had made a comment about me being pregnant. UH NO. I advised her it was only because I just started a new pack. While there, she made more comments on how bloated I was after I ate.... again, I didn't think anything of it. About two weeks after I got home, I was at the grocery store and Matt calls me while I am there. He tells me he thinks that I should pick up a pregnancy test.. I ask him "why?" His answer: "because I hadn't had a period in a while." I laughed and told him that that was on purpose, and I wasn't supposed to have a period. He still wanted me to get one..

I immediately started to panic, and think about Savannas comments, and realize the only other times Matt was really adamant about me getting a test, they were positive. I picked up a test and went home, unloaded the groceries and silently went to the bathroom.


Positive.


I ran to the store to pick up another one, positive.
Luckily, I have a wonderful husband who just gave me a hug and told me it would be okay.
After some days ( okay maybe weeks ) of crying, I snapped out of it and put together a game plan. Went to the doctor, confirmed my at home positive. Traded in my car, for a GIANT SUV with a third row, and decided being sad/stressed about the situation is not going to change it. I might as well accept it and enjoy it because it will be our last baby.

Now, how it happened...
I took my birth control like candy. One day, I took ONE amoxicillin, and immediately remembered that antibiotics canceled out birth control and never took another one.
I blame that one pill...

So, here we are now. I guess in the end it all makes sense and I should have paid more attention to the cues so I wouldn't have been so shocked. But, like I said before, being a parent is the best thing I have ever done. I have never been good at anything. I was never great at school or sports, I was never super popular.
But being a mom, its what I am supposed to be doing.

The other day Anna was telling me how she would "love me forever" and how we were best friends. I am glad she sees me that way. Because they are my best friends. Matt too. I have the best little family in the world and adding one more to it is just going to make it that much more fun.